You Won't Be Mine
by kerianne
Summary: A Schwarz fic centered on Crawford and Schuldig (my favorite couple ^_^), and their thoughts about each other as Schwarz is disbanding. *shounen ai themes*


You Won't Be Mine

Finally. After years of peril, years of putting their own lives in danger while taking the lives of countless others..... finally it was all coming to an end here.

Reiji was gone. SS was gone. Schwarz.... Schwarz was no more. And the four men who no longer had any ties to each other stood together, watching the sun set slowly on the ocean.

_So. It's over, _Schuldig thought. He felt-- almost disappointed. He had not quite enjoyed his job, but he had not disliked it either, and it was a living.

But now.... now, he was free. He could start a new and better life. He could go anywhere.

Would he finally be happy?

_~take your head around the world_

see what you get

from your mind~

He looked over at the still faces of the others. At any moment, he could have delved into their thoughts, found out exactly what they were thinking. But he chose not to. It seemed somehow wrong.

_~write your soul down word for word_

see who's your friend

and who is kind~

Could he call these men his friends? They were like brothers, if nothing else. They had lived together, worked together.... killed together. And now? Would they stay in touch? Schuldig stifled a laugh as he thought of himself sending Christmas cards to the others. "From Your Former Partner in Crime".

He allowed his eyes to linger over each of them for a moment. Nagi. So young, his whole life ahead of him. And yet, because of his powers, he would always be an outsider. Schuldig found himself hoping the boy would find true happiness.

Farfarello. Also young.... but his future held much less promise than Nagi's. Any intelligence, any potential lurking behind that single golden eye was obscured by madness. His life would not be easy.

And..... Crawford.

Crawford, the man who had haunted his dreams since the day they'd met. The cold, quiet American who hid a soul, and maybe even a heart, behind that seemingly passionless and calculating expression.

Crawford could see the future. Maybe.... just maybe.... could he see a future for he and Schuldig?

_No._ The tall German dismissed his sentimental thoughts. It was ridiculous to think of he and Brad together. Sure, he was attracted to the American; he had been since the day he'd laid eyes on him. But of course he wasn't serious about him or anything. That wasn't like him.

But who was he, now? No longer an assassin. And he could not remember a time when he had not been guilty of something. It was why his name fit him so well. So how did he really feel? Did he even remember how to really feel?

And was he serious about Crawford?

If not, why did his heart ache when he realized he might never see the American again?

Shaking his head, Schuldig tried to push the questions out of his mind. He didn't like to get this deep. It was much easier to interpret other people's thoughts than it was to consider his own.

Besides, no matter how he felt about Crawford, it was hopeless. The other man could not possibly return his feelings. Every now and then he had picked up suggestive thoughts from Crawford, directed at him; but it was nothing but misplaced lust. And he had never dug deep enough into Brad's mind to find out how the man really felt about him. Partly because it seemed like too much of an invasion, even for him; but mostly because.... he was scared. Afraid of what he might find out.

Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair. He was just going to have to get used to life without Brad, without his deep, endless dark eyes, his soft raven hair, the silken steel of his voice. Their lives would go on; but Brad would never be his.

_~it's almost like a disease_

and i know soon you will be

over the lies, you'll be strong

you'll be rich in love and you will carry on

but no, oh no

no you won't be mine~

* * * * *

_He's lost in thought. What is he thinking about?_ Crawford watched the tall redhead as he stared out over the horizon. Not for the first time, he envied Schuldig's mind-reading ability. How many times had he wished he could see into another's head?

But then he shook himself. _It doesn't matter. I'll probably never see him again after tonight._

That seemed wrong, somehow. For years he had lived like brothers with these men. Surely it wasn't right to just walk away, just forget all of that.

But then, how close to each other were they, really? They each had their walls, their barriers that locked others out, covered their true personalities. Yes, they had lived together, spent nearly every waking moment for years together; but as Crawford looked around at their faces, he realized that he didn't know any of them. Not really.

He found himself wondering what would happen to the others. Would Nagi get an education? Would Farfarello be thrown back into an asylum?

It didn't matter. None of them were his responsibility anymore. Least of all Schuldig. He had a feeling that he had never really had any authority over the German. Schuldig was his own master.

So why was Crawford wondering about him the most?

Schuldig was so different from the rest of them. He was the most outwardly normal of the group, easygoing, usually smiling. Not hard to please.

But who was he, really? What lay hidden behind the blue eyes and the constant smirk? Suddenly Crawford wanted to know. Did Schuldig feel any guilt? Did he hear the voices of the people they'd slain, their screams echoing in his mind?

_~take your straight line for a curve_

make it stretch, the same old line

try to find out if it was worth what you spent

why you're guilty for the way you're feeling now~

Stop it, Crawford told himself. This was not a time to dwell on thoughts of the tall redhead. Their paths were about to uncross. They would go their separate ways.

And that hurt. He had to admit that it hurt, thinking of life without Schuldig. Crawford wondered briefly why the other man had not yet caught on to his feelings. It was hard to hide things from a telepath. Maybe Schuldig did know. _He probably can't wait to get away from me,_ Crawford thought sadly. _He probably thinks I'm disgusting._

He would miss all of them, he thought reflectively. Even Farfarello with his crazed rantings. But of course, he would miss Schuldig most. Schuldig.... the man he..... loved.

_~take yourself out to the curb_

sit and wait

a fool for life~

Love. A killer cannot love, Crawford thought bitterly.

But he wasn't a killer anymore......

He glanced over at Schuldig, seeing the faraway, thoughtful expression in his deep blue eyes. The redhead looked up and caught Crawford's eye, giving him a patented grin and then looking away.

_If only you would smile at me..... and mean it....._

Crawford sighed. No. It was a doomed attraction, a hopeless love. He looked around at the others. Farfarello was growing restless. It was time to leave.

They piled into Crawford's car, saying nothing. They would return to the apartment they had shared, gather their things, and then..... what after that? Anything was possible. They could start new lives, be whoever they wanted to be. But one thing was certain; their new lives would not include each other.

They would not stay in touch. Crawford knew this. The kind of work they had done, the things they'd been through..... they did not lend themselves well to casual phone calls or dropping in for tea.

So this was goodbye.

_Goodbye, Schuldig,_ Crawford though. He was not sure if the telepath was listening or not. _Good luck. Good luck in everything._

He paused, and swallowed hard. He had Seen Schuldig's future, and he knew things would go well for the German. Schuldig would finally find happiness, settle down, and make a new, successful life for himself.

But no matter how hard Crawford looked, he could not see himself in the redhead's future.

He looked over at Schuldig one last time. The telepath did not seem to hear Crawford's thoughts, and if he did, he was not showing any reaction to them. He hesitated a moment more, then thought:

_I.... love you._

~_it's almost like a disease_

but i know soon you will be

over the lies, you'll be strong

you'll be rich in love and you will carry on

but no, oh no

no you won't be mine......~

the end


End file.
